So Much for the Snow Angels

Posted by mwallach on January 12, 2011 in My Kids, New To You |

Dear That’s Life,

There’s nothing like the moment when you open an informational packet that comes with a new medication and read that, “kidney function decreases with age.”  Trust me. It’s a real pick-me-up.

After sharing that disclaimer with my doctor, he reminded me that unfortunately, our bodies do not get better with age.  I insisted that he was wrong and should speak for himself.  I then shared this tidbit with my sister-in-law, also a physician, who advised me to stop reading all of the information that came with the medication.  That was very good advice, as I reminded myself that most of what is printed in those pamphlets has been written by lawyers, not by doctors.  The warning to refrain from exercising while taking that medication because of the potential for tendon injuries also did not apply to me, she added.  That warning is meant for older men who did not exercise regularly.  Not only do I exercise regularly, but I am not an older man.

My daughter inadvertently ages me every time she asks me how old I am.  Working very hard to correct her mispronunciation of certain letter combinations, she really struggles with the ‘th.’  As a result, I am not ‘thirty-five’ but rather am ‘firty-five’ which sounds almost exactly like ‘forty-five.’  Between that and the steady and apparently natural decline in my kidney function that I did not know about until today, I just lost ten years of my life and feel the need to check on my life insurance policy.

So despite all of the planning for this snow day, the eggs I had bought and the sheet pans at the ready, I did not bake cookies all day like I expected.  I did not shovel and I did not make snow angels.  Instead, I stayed in bed with a migraine and emailed people about kidney function.  I know: it sounds glamorous.

But wait.  There’s more.

I am now on my way to traffic court to fight a speeding ticket where, I will argue, there was no way I was going as quickly as the officer contends.  Unfortunately, my attorney does not plan on offering the same defense.  Instead, he’ll argue: my wife is an idiot and if she needs to spend the night in jail so she does not have any points on her license, then so be it.  I was advised to pack a bag and have a change of clothes handy.  Something in bright orange would be perfect. 

I think I’d rather go back to talking about my kidney function.  If nothing else, I am sure that discussing our collective declining renal function with a bunch of strangers in cell block A is going to make me the life of the party.


P.S. I took a plea in exchange for a fee and no points on my license, but not before the prosecutor asked me if I had my toothbrush with me.  Everyone’s a comedian.

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