That’s Moo to You

Posted by mwallach on March 7, 2011 in New To You |

Dear That’s Life,

I am thinking of buying a cow.

There is simply no way for me to keep up with the milk consumption in my home. It must be more effective in the long run for me to just buy the bovine, keep it in the back and milk it on my own. Even Costco could not keep up with the amount of milk we drink – and if I could buy a cow that made chocolate milk, I think I’d do that as well.

Of course, my suggestion is semi-ridiculous. It is impractical and unrealistic to think that starting my own dairy farm in the back yard would actually work. After visiting a dairy farm in Lancaster a number of years ago, I was amazed to see that they really do have it down to a science. They know how to do this better than I ever could. I am just going to have to keep up with my runs to the store and my buying in bulk. I will not give up my day job.

When I was a kid and we lived in Long Beach, we used to pick up milk in glass bottles from Dairy Barn. When we were finished with the milk, we returned the bottles and, as an early form of recycling, the bottles were sent back to the farm for sterilization and reuse. I have distinct memories of the glass bottles and of wondering where in that small drive thru mini mart were they able to keep the cows. They must be in there somewhere I thought. After all: this was Dairy Barn. (Cut me some slack: I was 5.)

I am dating myself but sometimes that happens to the best of us. A discussion of cars ensued as I recently met with a number of friends to plan an event. Someone mentioned that a particular young driver in the neighborhood was now driving a station wagon. I smiled. “It’s a crossover,” I explained. “Station wagons are SO 1986 – we don’t say that anymore.” She knew I was right and that she had just seriously dated herself. We laughed. She was convinced I didn’t even know what station wagons really were, but she was wrong. “What?!” I said. “Putting kids in the rear trunk with no seatbelts so that if the car was hit from the back the kids would get completely smooshed was NOT a great idea?” I proved myself with that comment – clearly I knew exactly what station wagons were.

Walking home on shabbos afternoon, I found a Polaroid camera on the street. It was pretty strange and I commented that maybe there was going to be an Atari on the sidewalk as we rounded the corner. I remember when $100 could feed a family of five for the week and when $35 for a pair of Nike’s was still a lot of money. Instead, $100 didn’t even fill the tank of my truck this afternoon and $35 isn’t enough to buy shoes for my toddler.

In a recent conversation with a friend, she said that she would have to check her computer in order to answer my question. Instead of saying that she had to check her laptop or desktop, she mentioned that she would look on her IBM. I laughed out loud and she was a bit startled. “No, you won’t,” I said, and explained that she could either check her PC or her Mac – but she was in no way going to be checking her IBM. “Next thing I know,” I told her, “you’ll be telling me that you are going to check TWA for flights to Israel.” She got my point.

Ahh – the good old days.


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