Not the Craziest Thing About Me

Posted by mwallach on May 26, 2011 in Crazy Follows Me Everywhere, New To You |

Dear That’s Life,

A small but elite group of courageous individuals have been amassing data and working tirelessly on a list that, while not top secret, is not yet open to the public. The individuals toiling over this work have an inside track into the mysterious workings of a mysterious mind. While many do not want to know more than they already do, there are those who continue to research and gather information, despite what they may discover and in spite of what they already know.

The list entitled, “This is NOT the Craziest Thing About Me” was inspired by something I often say about myself. Whatever the nutty thing may be at that moment, there is surely something crazier. Each time I reveal something I have done or said to which I receive a quizzical look or a raised eyebrow, I remind the individual with whom I may be speaking that this is not the craziest thing about me. More often than not, I am then asked, “So, if it’s not this, then what IS the craziest thing about you?” My reply is often that I am not sure what is, but I know it isn’t this – when we finish the list, however, I’ll let you know.

Most recently making the list is the new Swiss Army knife which I carry on my keychain. Weighing a ton, I am forced to disconnect it from my car key before putting it in the ignition in fear of it breaking. I recently lost the one I had owned for years and decided it needed to be replaced.  This one is unique and much more intricate than the one I lost. Dubbed as a rescue tool, it glows in the dark and comes complete with a seat belt cutter, a window smasher, a knife and even a toothpick. One can never be too prepared, should you ever need to extricate someone from a car to find that – Alas! – you have spinach between your front teeth. How embarrassing.

The new one was purchased as a gift, the blade even engraved with my initials. It’s one thing to see ‘MLW’ in print and a completely other thing to see it etched into the side of a serrated knife. While it may not have been the gift of choice for many other people I know, it comes in very handy and fits me perfectly. It is, however, a definite conversation starter. Someone notices it and quickly comments. Most recently, that someone was ringing up my purchases at a local store and noticed it when I placed my keys on the counter in an effort to get to my wallet.

Upon seeing the knife, he took hold of it and opened the blade. Even before I could comment that he was taking something that was not his, he asked me if the cops had seen my knife. “What?!” I asked him, unsure of what he was asking. “This blade is illegal,” he explained, then added, ”You can’t carry a knife that is longer than 2 inches.” I was not particularly concerned, but then he revisited his original question. “Have the cops seen you with that?” he asked again. I had to laugh. I looked at him like this was the craziest thing about him and incredulously asked, “Do you actually think the cops are looking for ME?!” Modern orthodox woman, mother of six, two post-graduate degrees….oh, yeah: I am on every post office wall.

“Um, no,” I reassured him, “the cops have not seen me with it, nor I am actually concerned.” Gathering my purchase, he warned me that if they catch me with it, I would definitely get in trouble. I laughed, thanked him for the tip, took my contraband and left.

Unbeknownst to him, however, he was just part of something historical. I’ve just added this to the list. And no: this is not the craziest thing about me either.


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