3rd Floor, Swimwear

Dear That’s Life,

There is nothing like a water park to better one’s self-image. That is just the reality. Regardless of how bad you think you look in a bathing suit, you can bet that there is always someone who looks worse.

I am not sure what about water slides and tubing enables otherwise inhibited people to be stripped of all self-consciousness, and I do mean stripped. Neither a prude nor am I casting aspersions on others, I do imagine, however, that everyone owns a least one mirror. A quick check before walking out the door or out in public cannot be too much to ask. And if you don’t own a mirror, invest.

Men have it easy. No matter their waist size or body grooming stage, it all hangs out. Shirt off and bathing suit on, a man is set to go out in public. No one looks askance at the man walking down the path to the lazy river, regardless of what he looks like because it is accepted. The only exception to this rule is he who wears a Speedo. Even Michael Phelps wears a body suit. No continent should permit“man’s bikini”. In fact, I propose that production on that model stop. Society needs to put an end to that bathing suit. As a rule of thumb, I believe that,“Less is more.” In the case of swimwear, however, more is more – and more is a good thing.

A woman, on the other hand, needs to be very well aware of her image and appearance. No female wants to draw negative attention to herself because of some physical neglect. As if women needed more reasons to be completely paranoid about how they look, the added scrutiny surrounding swimsuits is enough to transform the Loehmann’s dressing room of old (who knew privacy was a commodity?) to an easy, even enjoyable experience. Of course, buying a bathing suit and then having to try it on in a mass dressing room is not only potentially humiliating, but let’s you know way too much about your neighbors, if you know what I’m saying.

The beautiful thing about women’s bathing suits now, however, is that there are many styles available, one for every body type. Personally, I appreciate the options made specifically for tall women. Having been called many different things in my life, petite has never been one of them. I cannot imagine how a woman 6 or 7 inches shorter was expected to fit into the same options as someone with my height, and vice versa.

The two best styles of which I have availed myself are the swim dress and the tankini. The swim dress should not be confused with the full body armor being shown by some neighborhood stores. That product is good for many people, may they enjoy their purchases for many years to come. More power to you. The swim dress to which I am referring simply comes a little longer in the leg and a built in skirt giving the illusion of being dress-like, therefore providing greater coverage and more peace of mind. All hail the designer of the swim dress.

The tankini, on the other hand, is genius for another reason. Basically a tank top and a bottom, this two piece bathing suit is not a bikini by any stretch of the imagination (unless your tankini is the wrong size, therefore stretching too much and leaving nothing to the imagination). Practically speaking, the tankini allows a woman to use the facilities without the hassle of a one-piece suit. Use your imagination. As the mother of daughters, especially when they are young, the tankini is essential for water fun. Of course, however, it does not solve all problems. Girls still have to sit down. Men should not underestimate the complex nature of taking a young girl to the bathroom, whose body is wet, the seat needing to be blanketed by some form of protective cover. Suffice it to say, it is not pretty. No further proof needed that it is truly a man’s world. Even this isn’t easy.

Walking through the water park, I wondered if some of the women before me were aware of the availability of either of these styles. Not like a prize in a bathing suit myself, I am covered to ensure my own personal comfort and that of the people around me. No need to make a scene. At the same time, the itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini does not look good on most people. One could argue that women with such self-confidence to wear these bathing suits regardless of body-type deserve our applause.

On the other hand, maybe there is a time and place for everything. I am all about getting along with my fellow man and woman, accepting each other for who we are. But seriously: you don’t want to see my stomach and I don’t want to see yours. Trust me when I tell you, I am doing you a favor by covering up. Please return the kindness. More, in fact, is more.
MLW
As seen in The South Shore Standard July 2011