Too Much Time on My Hands? Not Exactly.

Dear That’s Life,
I am usually good at providing a distraction for others in need. Whether at work or in the middle of some major deadline, I am the right person to call when you need a break. It is therefore unusual for me to need someone else to distract me, rather than being able to do it myself.

Amidst the week of the Kletzky murder in Brooklyn, I received a phone call from a good friend. The tragedy hit at our core causing a venerable fog seemed to blanket each of us, dulling us slightly. We all walked around in a daze. How can one know that they are out of sorts when they’re surrounded by others in the same state? Foggy was the norm rather than the exception, and for good reason. Yet the challenge my friend presented immediately sparked something inside, waking me up a little. Allowing me to shift my focus from the news, I was provided with an opportunity for a wonderful distraction, one that I needed and welcomed. His timing was perfect.

Officiating at a wedding that weekend, he needed a little help with his speech. He knew what he wanted to say, but could not find the words. The bride and groom were classic rock fans, he explained, and it gave him an idea for a speech. Without needing to go any further, I knew what he wanted to do even before he finished his sentence.

My mission was to string together a series of lyrics, having them make sense as a paragraph of their own. He would then embed the section within the speech. While many in the audience would not pick up on it, he was certain the bride and groom would. We were both confident the section would make many laugh, while possibly confusing others. Nevertheless, he was willing to do it and I was certainly up for the challenge. A self-proclaimed classic rock devotee, and a person with too much irrelevant information stored up in her brain, it was game on. I was sufficiently distracted and ready to play.

Ironically, half of the fun was finding lyrics that could not be used. John Mellancamp’s “I Need a Lover that Won’t Drive Me Crazy” was the first to come to mind, along with anything from Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” or Simon and Garfunkel’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.” How about, “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by the Rolling Stones? Famous lines like Bon Jovi’s “Your love is like bad medicine,” Katy Perry’s “There’s a stranger in my bed” or Simple Plan’s “Your love is a lie” did not make the cut either, but provided additional entertainment and inspiration. Starting a list of lyrics for what I called the “Drunk Best Man’s Toast”, I was convinced that if I strung together these lines, I might just write the funniest wedding speech ever. Unfortunately, as I did not know the best man nor know if there was one, this project would have to be for my own enjoyment. Back to the original task, I refocused my efforts.

After an hour or two, the notepad next to me was filled, the challenge not in finding the lines but rather in having them make sense together. Some I had written down would not make the cut, others serving as anchors. Nothing says “cheesy love song” like Air Supply and while their work is not my taste, this project would not be complete without them. Peppering the paragraph with some modern work as well was allowed but was not going to be easy, although there was plenty of viable material.

Working in stages, I was done a couple of hours later. Having spliced phrases from here and from there, some of the lines were a melding of various artists and lyrics. The paragraph was funny because Lady Gaga, the Beatles, Green Day and the Bee Gees were never meant to be in the same sentence, let alone the same body of work. I joked that this paragraph may be the best thing I had ever written though none of the words were mine. This assignment was perfect – not only because it was meant for someone like me, but because it made me smile at a time when smiling just seemed wrong.

Here’s hoping you enjoy my magnum opus and that it makes you smile as well. If you are up for the challenge, resist the temptation to Google the lines in an effort to determine their source. Pick it apart and figure it out. If nothing else, let it serve as a healthy distraction. From time to time, we all need a little break.

Written in the stars, a million miles away, you know your love was meant to be the kind of love to last forever. It’s plain to see – you are so in love when you’re together.

Now you might think I’m crazy, as I ramble on, but tonight, tonight, tonight, please don’t stop the music. Dance the night away. This is the time to remember, cuz’ it will not last forever. These are the days to hold on to and I hope you’ve had the time of your life.
MLW
As Seen in the South Shore Standard July 2011